Blackadder Goes Forth.
The Shakespeare Sketch.
Blackadder’s Christmas Carol. Blackadder the Third. Dish and DishonestyYou look as happy as a man who thought a cat had done its business on his pie, but it turned out to be an extra big blackberry.
E: Well, we in the Adder Party are going to fight this campaign on issues, not personalities.
H: Why is that?
E: Because our candidate doesn't have a personality.
- The Candidate is Baldrick...
читать дальшеE: Sir, might I let loose a short, violent exclamation?
G: Well, why certainly.
E: **DAMN**!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thank you, sir.
G: I say, that's a bit of a strange getup you've got there, isn't it, Blackadder?
E: Yes, I'm just off to a fancy dress party -- I'm going as Lady Hamilton's pussy.
Blackadder: If you want something done properly, kill Baldrick before you start.
G: Well, they can't do that. Why, the public love me! Only the other day, I was out in the street and they sang, `We hail Prince George! We hail Prince George!'
E: `We *hate* Prince George', sir. `We *hate* Prince George!'
G: Was it?
E: I fear so, sir.
Blackadder: Right. Now all we have to do is fill in this MP application form. "Name"...Baldrick. First name?
Baldrick: Er... I'm not sure.
Blackadder: Well, you must have some idea.
Baldrick: Well, it might be Sod-Off.
Blackadder: What?
Baldrick: Well, when I was little and I used to play in the gutter, I used to say to the other snipes "Hello, my name's Baldrick." And they'd say "Yes, we know: Sod-Off Baldrick."
Blackadder: All right, "Mr S. Baldrick." Now then, "Distinguishing features".... None.
Baldrick: Hold on. I've got this big growth in the middle of my face.
Blackadder: That's your nose, Baldrick. Now, "Any history of insanity in the family?"... Tell you what. I'll cross out the "in." "Any history of sanity in the family?" ... None whatsoever. Now, "Criminal record?"
Baldrick: Absolutely not.
Blackadder: Oh, come on, Baldrick, you're going to be an MP, for God's sake! Look, I'll just put "Fraud and sexual deviancy".
Ink and Incapability
Dr. Johnson keeps a copy of that Dictionary, and then *you* are going to steal it.
B: Me?
E: Yes, you!
B: Why me?
E: Because you burnt it, Baldrick.
B: But then I'll go to Hell forever for stealing.
E: Baldrick, believe me: eternity in the company of Beezlebub and all his hellish instruments of death will be a picnic compared to five minutes with me - and this pencil ...
Nob and Nobility
Edmund: No he won't, Baldrick. Either I think up an idea, or, tomorrow,we die -
which, Baldrick, I have to tell you, I have no intention of doing,
because I want to be young and wild,
and then I want to be middle-aged and rich,
and then I want to be old and annoy people by pretending that I'm deaf.
Just be quiet and let me think.
Baldrick: I couldn't sleep when I was little.
Edmund: You still are little, Baldrick.
Edmund: I think then that the mystery is solved. Now shut up.
Either I think up an idea, or, tomorrow, we meet our maker - in my case, God; in your case, God knows ...
Edmund: [sitting in a chair, his feet on the table, smoking a pipe]
Well, Baldrick, what a very pleasant week. We must do this more often.
Baldrick: [seeming a bit bored] Yes, I shall certainly choose revolutionary France for my holiday again next year.
Sense and Senility
E: Baldrick, I would like to say how much I will miss your honest and friendly companionship.
B: Aaahh, thank you Mr. B.
E: But as we both know, it'll be an utter lie.I will therefore confine myself to saying simply,
"Sod off," and if I ever meet you again, it'll be twenty billion years too soon.
(Blackadder walks out of the room...)
B: Goodbye, you lazy big-nosed, rubber-faced bastard.
(...but not out of earshot; he comes back in. Baldrick looks worried.)
E: I fear, Baldrick, that you will soon be eating those badly chosen words.
I wouldn't bet you a single groat that you can survive five minutes here without me.
Duel and Duality
B: Ooh! Mr. Blackadder.
E: Leave me alone Baldrick. If I'd wanted to talk to a vegetable I'd have bought one at the market.
He's mad. He's mad. He's madder than Mad Jack McMad the winner of last year's Mr Madman competition.
PR: Ah Blackadder. Notice anything unusual?
E: Yes sir, it's 11:30 in the morning and you're moving about. Is the bed on fire?
E: Unfortunately, sir, you do realise that I shall have to treat you like a servant?
PR: Oh, I think I can cope with that, thank you, Blackadder.
E: And you will have to get used to calling me "Your Highness", Your Highness.
PR: "Your Highness, Your Highness."
E: No, just "Your Highness", Your Highness.
PR: That's what I said, "Your Highness, Your Highness", Your Highness, Your Highness.
E: Yes, let's just leave that for now, shall we? Complicated stuff obviously.
(Baldrick enters.)
B: Big Nose is here... But what?.. Who?.. Where?.. How?..
E: Don't even try to work it out Baldrick. Two people you know well have exchanged coats and now you don't know which is which.
My skin is as smooth as a baby's bottom. Which is more than you can say for my bottom.Blackadder: The Cavalier Years. Blackadder: Baldrick, your brain is like the four-headed man-eating haddock-fish-beast of Aberdeen.
Baldrick: In what way?
Blackadder: It doesn't exist.
- I suppose it's not one hundred percent convincing.
- It's not one percent convincing, Baldrick.
However, I'm a busy man, and I can't be bothered to punch you at the moment.
The Black Adder - Season 2. Head.Blackadder: Yes. You know, Baldrick, the Renaissance was just something that happened to other people, wasn't it?
читать дальшеPotato.
Melchett: Started talking to yourself, Blackadder?
Blackadder: Yes, it's the only way I can be sure of intelligent conversation around here!
Money.
Molly: He was treating me like a human being!
Blackadder: Look, if I had wanted a lecture of the rights of man, I'd have gone to bed with Martin Luther!
Beer.
Queenie: Edmund, quick, quick! Melchett's dying! We must do something!
Blackadder: Well yes, of course. Some sort of celebration!
Percy "You've taken a vow of silence, how fascinating. Tell me about it."
Edmund: "Your breath comes straight from Satan's bottom."
Blackadder: Get the door, Baldrick.
[There is a crash. Baldrick enters, carrying a door.]
Blackadder: Baldrick, I would advise you to make the explanation you are about to give... phenomenally good.
Baldrick: You said "Get the door."
Blackadder: Not good enough. You're fired.
Baldrick: But my lord, I've been in your family since 1532!
Blackadder: So has syphilis! Now get out!
Chains.
Ludwig: Forgive me, Herr Blackadder. I have been neglecting my duties as a host. Please accept my apple-ogies.
Oh, God! God! What on earth was I drinking last night? My head feels like there's a Frenchman living in it!The Black Adder - Season 1. The ForetellingEdmund: I like the cut of your jib, young fella me lad. What's your name?
Baldrick: My name is Baldrick, my lord.
Edmund: Then I shall call you Baldrick, Baldrick.
Baldrick: And I shall call you "my lord," my lord.
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Percy: It will be a great day tomorrow for we nobles.
Prince Edmund: Well, not if we lose, Percy. If we lose, I'll be chopped to pieces. My arms will end up at Essex, my torso in Norfolk, and my genitalia stuck up in a tree somewhere in Rutland.
Born to Be King
Richard IV: As the good Lord said: "Love thy neighbour as thyself, unless he's Turkish, in which case, kill the bastard!"
The Queen of Spain's Beard
Percy: You know, they do say that the Infanta's eyes are more beautiful than the famous Stone of Galveston.
Edmund: Mm! ... What?
Percy: The famous Stone of Galveston, My Lord.
Edmund: And what's that, exactly?
Percy: Well, it's a famous blue stone, and it comes ... from Galveston.
Edmund: I see. And what about it?
Percy: Well, My Lord, the Infanta's eyes are bluer than it, for a start.
Edmund: I see. And have you ever seen this stone?
Percy: (nods) No, not as such, My Lord, but I know a couple of people who have, and they say it's very very blue indeed.
Edmund: And have these people seen the Infanta's eyes?
Percy: No, I shouldn't think so, My Lord.
Edmund: And neither have you, presumably.
Percy: No, My Lord.
Edmund: So, what you're telling me, Percy, is that something you have never seen is slightly less blue than something else you have never seen.
Percy: (finally begins to grasp) Yes, My Lord.
King: Chiswick, take this to the Queen of Naples. [holds up an urn]
Chiswick: What is it, my lord?
King: The King of Naples!
Witchsmeller Pursuivant
Percy: I'm serious! Only this morning in the courtyard I saw a horse with two heads and two bodies!
Edmund: Two horses standing next to each other?
Percy: Yes, I suppose it could have been.
Witchsmeller: Ah, but the chambermaid Mary heard you say, and I quote,
"Hello, little Bubbles, would you like some milk?"
Edmund: Well, I might have said *that*!
Witchsmeller: Ah!!!
(The crowd `Ah's)
Witchsmeller: And what did you mean by it?
Edmund: Well, I meant, would the cat like some milk.
Witchsmeller: Milk? What did you mean by `milk'?
Edmund: I meant *milk*! Bloody *milk*!!!
Witchsmeller: BLOODY MILK!!! It was a mixture of milk and blood!